In a nutshell, Bored & Dangerous says: “It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely up there as one of the laziest, least essential, most anonymous, bland and vanilla.”
“This time, we didn’t make any wishes for the future. We said goodbye to our past. Now, none of us has any idea where life’s gonna take us, ’cause what we have is now. And right now, we have each other.”
I don’t really subscribe to the whole concept of movies being so bad they’re good. There are a couple of exceptions, like The Room, or the Birdemic series. But their charm comes from the fact that you can see how serious the film makers were about making something good, something important. The shit bombs I can’t get on board with, even to laugh at, are the lazy, cynical cash grabs. Movies slapped together by a committee of businessmen who think there’s a formula for success as long as you aim at the lowest quality of audience. Movies like Crossroads.
Britney Spears is Lucy Wagner, a goody-goody on the verge of graduating high school. On prom, or graduation night (I had already lost too much interest in the first few minutes to know or care what event they were at), Spears is reunited with her recently knocked up friend Mimi (Taryn Manning), and vain bitch Kit (Zoe Saldana). You see, these girls were tight when they were younger, but have drifted apart through high school, and now they represent the innocent, the white trash and the elitist. Because of a karaoke contest on the other side of the country, they set off together for LA, in an old convertible driven by Ben (Anson Mount).
Ben is mysterious and possibly dangerous… For about the first ten minutes. Then he’s singing along to Cheryl Crowe with his gaggle of passengers and melting Britney’s heart. There’s all sorts of self discovery, an attempt at serious story telling via a cheap rape sub plot, much bonding, occasional fighting and a story that finds an excuse for Spears to sing her (then) latest single in the movie’s climax. Basically, Crossroads is exactly what you expect from a quickly slapped together movie built around the pop princess of the day.
Here’s the biggest surprise I got from Crossroads, Britney Spears is a kind of OK actor. Now, that doesn’t mean the movie is any good. It’s absolute garbage, but that’s not her fault. Actually, that can be said for pretty much every actor here with a slightly high profile role. Spears, Mount, Saldana, Manning and Dan Aykroyd (as Lucy’s father) all commit and do the best with what they’re given. The only problem is, they’re given such utter shit, that there’s no way to redeem it. Marlon Brando couldn’t make this sick pig of a screenplay work.
I can’t imagine even the biggest Britney Spears fans liking Crossroads. The story is so busy ticking boxes to ensure it’s formulaic, by the numbers and exactly what it thinks audiences wanted, it never finds time to be interesting in any way. Even with its excuses to show Spears prancing around in her underwear every 20 minutes, Crossroads still refuses to be interesting.
I could never recommend this movie to anyone, not even as a bad movie to pull the piss out of. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever seen, but it’s definitely up there as one of the laziest, least essential, most anonymous, bland and vanilla.