MOVIE REVIEW | ***FLOP WEEK*** The Lone Ranger (2013)

The Lone Ranger is a mess.  It’s a box office failure and the most high profile flop since John Carter.  I’m not sure what kind of movie The Lone Ranger is trying to be, but I am sure it doesn’t meet its goals, whatever they may have been. It’s too violent and convoluted  to be a fun, family adventure.  It’s too Disney-fied and watered down to be an action movie for teenage boys and young dudes.  It’s too long to be a breezy, throw away piece of fluffy entertainment.  It’s based on a character too old and irrelevant to coast by on franchise familiarity.  It’s a huge pile of lots of small attempts at conflicting styles that results in a big pile of nondescript ooze.

Like John Carter (good to see Disney didn’t learn their lesson after that shit bomb) The Lone Ranger starts with a pointless framing device that ads absolute nothing to the movie, except 15 or 20 minutes to the already too long running time.  In this case, a kid dressed as the lone Ranger is at a carnival or some bullshit that has a museum for some reason.  He’s looking at a display of an old Indian when the display comes to life.  It’s Johnny Depp under a heap of makeup as the old Tonto.  He then tells the story of the movie to the young kid for no reason that I can ascertain.

Armie Hammer is John Reid, a lawyer in 1869 on a train home to see his Texas Ranger brother, Dan.  Also on the train, as a prisoner, is Depp as young Tonto.  Some bad guys rob the train, Dan ends up dead, everyone thinks John is dead and Tonto convinces him to wear a mask so people think he’s the undead version of his brother.  I think that’s what happened, my mind wandered a lot while watching The Lone Ranger and I’m sure I missed a lot of specifics.  I’m also sure those specifics would not have made the movie any more entertaining or less infuriating.

They fight the bad guys for a couple of hours, Tonto gets a tragic origin story and they win.  John Reid’s motivation is supposed to be avenging his brother and saving said dead brother’s widow and son.  But they had so little impact on me, every time they popped up, I was surprised, because I kept forgetting they even existed whenever they weren’t on screen.

I will say this for The Lone Ranger, you can’t blame Hammer or Depp for its awfulness.  They both genuinely made me laugh out loud more than once and really do make the most of what they’re given.  Their good performance actually makes The Lone Ranger even worse, because you’re given a tiny glimpse of how funny, entertaining and fun these characters could have been.

Budget $215million / U.S Box Office $217.8million

Razzies Won:
Not yet eligible.  But I’m sure we can expect a swag of nominations for this bad boy when the 2013 finalists are announced.

The Lone Ranger
Directed By – Gore Verbinski
Written By – Justin Haythe, Ted Elliot, Tedd Rossio 

Instead of The Lone Ranger, watch Johnny Depp be amazing in Ed Wood.

5 thoughts on “MOVIE REVIEW | ***FLOP WEEK*** The Lone Ranger (2013)

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